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Cupcake Saboteurs
Giving the gift of failure
"One of the girls I work with found out I love cupcakes. She has been making me cupcakes for every occasion. I'm having a hard time resisting, ok let me just say, yes, I eat them. I love cupcakes (sad)."
It's a common occurrence with women that I train that once they make changes in their lifestyle and begin transforming their bodies they suddenly find themselves inundated with "gifts" in the form of sugary baked goods or offers to come join in with alcohol and crap-food laden lunches. These generally come from co-workers or women in their social sphere who don't quite qualify as real friends.
People in any sort of group will subconsciously form themselves into a hierarchy. This hierarchy will be based primarily along lines of socioeconomic dominance.
Physical attractiveness plays a strong role in ones placement along this hierarchy, especially for females. This is along the social side of the socioeconomic spectrum. Think back to high school, when simplistic hierarchies played themselves out in a microcosm. The most popular girls were generally the most physically attractive.
Particularly with women, when one begins the process of physically transforming into a fit, sexier body, it can create a backlash amongst the other members of your social world.
Two main things are happening.
First, the stagnant people around you will get a distinctly uncomfortable feeling when they see someone displaying a level of discipline that they are incapable of themselves (at least in that moment) in order to attain a goal that you both share.
Very few people are completely satisfied with their bodies and their health, so it is safe to assume that when you take action to improve yours, you are working towards something that those around you would like to have as well. They just lack the motivation to do so.
Suppose a woman sees your body improving and decides that rather than support you in your goals she will start bringing you cupcakes. This woman almost certainly wishes that she has a better body herself but does not live a lifestyle that will create that for her.
It's impossible for a person like this to tell herself that it's too hard to work out and eat well when she sees you doing exactly that. Rather than change her behavior or accept that she is mentally weaker than someone else, she will sabotage you so that she can solidify her position that diet and exercise "doesn't work" and that all people eat and live the same way that she does. If she succeeds, she can feel comfortable with her excuses to herself and feel socially accepted.
Few people live in their own reality or measure themselves by their own standards. The vast majority decides what standards to hold to by mimicking what they see others do. The people who try to sabotage you are measuring themselves by the standards that you set for your own life. They don't create their own standards; they are mere reflections of the few originals around them.
Why else would it matter to another person whether or not you ate a cupcake? What investment do they have in it? They are using your actions as a measure for their own and do not want you living to a standard that they are too lazy or weak to meet. So they hope that you will fall down in the same ways that they have so that living in your reflection is easy for them.
Secondly, the other women in your social circle see their place in the hierarchy being upset. A woman who suddenly attains a sexier body will bump her peers a notch down on the ladder, since they aren't going anywhere themselves. This will be perceived, subconsciously at least, as a source of diminished respect and attention for the newly displaced. Even if this is not consciously acknowledged, it can manifest itself in passive aggressive behavior like subtle sabotage.
A true friend will understand that you are disciplining yourself towards a worthwhile goal, understand that the achievement of another cannot diminish-and in fact is more likely to add quality to-their own life, and encourage your efforts. A strong person will want to be around other strong people, not drag down those around him or her in order to wallow in the effortless company of mediocrity.
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Comments For This Entry
Posted by Darren at 08:39PM on January 13, 2009
So true Craig. We had a bit of a challenge at CrossFit NZ leading up to Christmas to try and resist all the booze and chocolates that inundate the entire month of December.
I heard stories from members about friends actually getting angry at them for saying no to dessert, alcohol etc. Some people were eventually turning down invites so as to avoid confrontations!
It can be just as hard for someone to rise about this subtle sabotage as it is to make the original changes to diet and exercise in the first place.
Posted by sangita at 12:00AM on January 14, 2009
This is right up my alley. I have a friend who is married into a rich joint family but she's a regular gal like me. She likes to work out and eat healthy like me. The moment she says no to anything she gets a whole load of snide remarks from all the huge ladies in her family. White flour and sugar are gods in that family. The range of illnesses in the family is phenomenal. But she is the one who has to take the crap (and me when I'm with her because I'm the best friend who is constantly giving her advice on food). We are the ones who are hoity toity because oh my! is that all you are going to eat!! Why is eating such a social thing and not a personal thing?! Its the women who are the worst.
Posted by Mel Def at 08:35AM on January 25, 2009
I don't know that I expirience anything to this extreme. I live in a community of active and athletic people but as I am to the extremes as a figure athlete who measures and counts everything it does make me conspicuous on social occasions when everyone loosens up and has the bread, the dessert and eats without concern. They aren't nasty about it, just want to know how I keep the disipline and what I am working to acheive.
The only place this is really diffcult is in networking for my business. I don't do business lunches and participate in food related business social events because it seems to upset or fasinate people that I'm not eating the crap du jour at the Chamber luncheon, etc. Either of those reactions takes the focus off of getting any business done and onto my lifestyle and eating habits. It makes me self concious.
A positive is that when those moments occur, it reminds me why I do what I do and how the disipline I have in my goal to be lean and muscular and get a better physique can translate into every other part of my life. Everytime I don't give in to social pressure and what other people think, its a win!
Posted by Roxy at 03:25PM on January 27, 2009
I find this so true. I am actually going through this right now. I have rid all the crap out of my life. No more alcohol, ok I should say wine. I love wine yes and it is my biggest down fall. The people who I usually drink with are taking it hard because they think I do not want to spend time with them but thats not it at all, I just do not want to drink. Why does drinking always have to be a factor on having fun. Then I have a friend, who I sometimes workout with, she always says you have so much will power but in the same sentence she is throwing chocolate in my face. I love dark chocolate and it kills me. Now I know why because she has no will power she wants to bring me down to her. The thing is she is a tiny girl and I work really hard for what I actually have or look like. I have stopped smoking, drinking, drinking coffee, chocolate, biting my nails, and my all my old ways. I let it go with my New year. I find my runs are faster, my weight is dropping again and I feel that much better. So all in all, No cupcakes for me!!
Posted by sangita at 12:18AM on January 29, 2009
Roxy!! You go girl! Thats an important point you mentioned. People have differant bodies and physiologies. I also have to watch what I eat and work out regularly if I want to be in shape. Some people never seem to gain weight no matter what! And if these some people are women in your work or personal circle then its a fight every bloody single day! Sometimes I wish I could tell these gals that I would rather have my curves (wink!) and work at keeping in shape than be frustratingly flat! But if I could make catty comments then cats would sing!
Posted by Roxy at 08:33AM on March 20, 2009
I have a question on supplements. I take just a few but wondering if mixing them takes the effect off either of them. Am I wasting money and time? Should I be breaking them up through out the day?
I take a multivitamin (1 pill), Chondroitin and Glucosamine (2 pills), B complex (2 pill), Fish oil (2 pills in am and 2 at night), Purity 12(2 pills). Am I or should I be taking something else or should I break it up, or should I stop or start taking different supplements? Please Help!!
Posted by Craig at 10:10AM on March 20, 2009
You may want to split the B Vitamins and the multi because the multi probably has some B's in it already, but it's not a big deal. Splitting the fish oil is a good idea. Always take it with food. The rest of the stuff should be fine together.
Posted by sanguta at 02:35AM on March 21, 2009
We are waiting for a new post Craig!
Posted by TJ at 07:33AM on July 26, 2009
Once again, thanks for the support in "fighting the good fight" toward a healthy lifestyle. It seems I am surrounded by family and friends for whom it is "easy" to maintain a lean body and don't worry about what they eat. I have always had to work hard at it and have never been satisfied. My mom is my biggest negative influence right now, but I am learning how to not let her get to me. My boyfriend is great in so many ways--He is accepting of me the way I am, but also supports my desire to change, knowing that I will be happier with myself. He is already a strong and secure person, so I do not think he will feel threatened by my success. I don't like that he eats like crap and isn't interested in changing that at all, but I don't look to him for support in that area. He doesn't drink at all, tho, and that has been a big help in turning down the opportunity to have a few with friends. Remember to build relationships in your life on the positive things that they offer and do not let negative aspects of them be a part of your world. Good luck, fitness friends!
Posted by Beth at 10:21AM on January 02, 2010
I think I am going to print this article and place it somewhere I can read it every day. It is very easy for me to lose focus, especially when sweets are involved! It is especially hard as people will make things they know that you like and seem to be upset when you don't indulge. As I feel my body change I do gain more confidence, but I still have times of weakness. Thanks for the article! It is good to know that other people experience the some of the same things and it is great to have this networking to find people that will support our common goal!
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